Use Curious Compassion to Reach Your Weight-Loss Goal

What is the Passive-Aggressive Trap?

Have you noticed the Passive-Aggressive language that we tend to use around our weight-loss goals? I see a lot of folks saying they need to “get it together.” I hear people saying they “need to start eating cleaner,” or they “can’t be trusted” around pizza or ice cream. This language is full of assumptions that we’re behaving badly. It makes us think we need to keep a close eye on ourselves, lest we fall victim to the devils on our shoulders.

But remember: our choices (even the actions that feel negative) are inherently neutral. One choice to have pizza or ice cream could be considered positive in the larger context of our own unique “style” of healthy eating. All foods can belong in a healthy life, and are compatible with reaching a healthier weight. So why do we keep using this Passive-Aggressive tone with ourselves when it comes to weight-loss and our own behavior?

Our Relationship With Ourselves Should Be Kinder

The way we choose to speak to ourselves makes a huge difference in whether we reach our weight-loss goals. I can’t overstate the importance of Curious Compassion in my own journey to lose 100-lbs and keep it off. Rather than assuming that my choices were inherently bad, I deliberately edited my thoughts until they became kinder, more curious, and more direct/logical.

Why did Curious Compassion lead to me actually reaching my weight-loss goal? 

It’s because as humans, we can sense when someone is trying to Passively-Aggressively change us. When someone is trying to manipulate us into behaving differently, that doesn’t make us feel motivated to oblige them. We can even feel disrespected and belittled. This can even encourage us to behave rebelliously against that person.

When we turn that Passive-Agressive attitude inwards towards ourselves, we feel that disrespect and belittlement acutely. It’s so discouraging to feel like you can’t trust yourself. It can even encourage us to sabotage ourselves against reaching our goals.

On the other hand, Curious Compassion means that we observe ourselves and others calmly and objectively. It encourages trust, rather than belittlement. When you feel like someone trusts you and respects you, aren’t you more motivated to do the hard work for that person?

Because Curious Compassion encourages you to look at yourself with trust and respect, it is the best foundation for positive and lasting change.

A Quick Anecdote:

Here’s a situation where Curious Compassion led to better outcomes.

As a summer camp director, I can recall one day when a 6 year old camper (who I’ll call Sam) was having the absolute worst day. At the start of each new activity, Sam’s voice rang out from somewhere in the room, droning about how he didn’t want to do it. It didn’t matter if it was playing a group game, doing some quiet reading time, or even getting pizza for lunch. No matter what it was, he was in a bad mood about it.

For myself and my counselors, having to talk him through each transition became pretty exasperating by the early afternoon. We didn’t know how much longer we could last through his repetitive mini-tantrums.

Around 2 PM, I had a moment to take a breath. I realized I was so tired of Sam not “behaving well” that I was at risk of letting it show in my expressions or my tone. That would have been a Passive-Aggressive way to respond to the situation. I remembered how children can begin to act out even more when they sense that adults are trying to passive-aggressively manipulate them into behaving better.

I took a minute to remind myself in my thoughts: “There may be some important reasons Sam is having this kind of day. Even though I’m exasperated, showing my annoyance will hurt more than it will help.”

I shared this with my counselors. For the next little while, we did our utmost best to be patient and kind. We stayed open-minded, we reminded ourselves of what it was like to have a hard day, and we worked hard to make sure our responses were calm. Lo and behold, it wasn’t too much longer before we finally unearthed a reason. In the middle of his quiet reading, Sam suddenly burst out, loud enough for the whole room to hear: “My mom was right!”

I said, “About what, buddy?”

Sam replied dramatically, “Last night, I should have gone to bed earlier!” I have to say, the counselors and I couldn’t help sharing some silent giggles at his self-awareness.

We knew then that we could wait out today, and tomorrow would likely be a much nicer day for us all.

How Can You Use Curious Compassion in Your Weight-Loss Plan?

You can start developing this skill today. Here are some concrete examples of how I put Curious Compassion into practice to reach my weight-loss aspirations.

After a weekend brunch, I once heard myself thinking “I can’t believe you ordered the fried chicken biscuit instead of the 2 eggs and fruit cup!” This negativity could have caused me to give up on myself, or skip logging it in my food-journal.

Instead, I noticed that thought. I responded in my head with “That breakfast REALLY tasted fantastic, and I stopped when I felt satisfied. That was awesome! Let’s log this in the food journal, so later on we can learn about how this week went overall.”

During a busy week, I once heard myself thinking “You don’t have time to do your full strength-training workout today; this is impossible!” This negativity could have caused me to skip my exercise-time altogether. 

Instead, I noticed that thought. I responded in my head with “It looks like my strength-training workouts need to be a little more realistic with my schedule. Could I try a shorter yoga workout for today, and then tonight I’ll adjust my calendar for next week?”

This took months of deliberate practice. In fact, I’m still developing this skill. But nothing has helped me stay “in the game” more than this skill of Curious Compassion. I wasn’t thinking about myself or my behaviors in a Passive-Aggressive way (trying to shame myself into different choices). I was looking objectively at my behavior, leaning into the belief that I was doing my absolute best, and getting curious about how my choice affected my journey overall.

What’s The Takeaway?

Remember:

1. Passive-Aggression and shaming yourself leads to worse behavior outcomes, not better ones.

2. When you approach a situation with Curious Compassion, you learn much more about the reasons behind your choices.

3. Knowing the reasons behind the behavior is the foundation to creating positive change.

Has Curious Compassion been hard for you in the past? In my 1-on-1 coaching packages, we work on becoming Self-Compassion Warriors so that you can actually hit your weight-loss goals. We dive deep into what barriers are in your way, and we blast through them together.